with her eyes, we went within.

in the shower, i thought a lot about Line (pronounced Lynn), my colleague and a Master Hypnotherapist. On the first day of our four days together, she said, "You should work with energy."
And to my perplexed look, she answered, "You feel people."
Then, she looked at me with that look I would get to see several more times in the next few days. (This, for the record, was our second time together -our first being five joyous days of hard work and lots of laughs with an amazing team. I remember walking the port of Halifax on a bright Saturday; with waffles and flowers, sea salt and ships, including an Argentinian tall ship we ventured on.)

In the shower, I also came to realise that I never became a man because I did not want to be my Father.
Wow.
I should just cancel the therapy.
I am convinced that these revelations are a direct result of Line's work with me.

Of course, I want to see Line again and I do want to work with energy. (how infinitely base a description) But first I need to know that my own energy has some sort of stability and centredness. I mean: how together do I have to be to help others ?
-she spoke of her tears, her fears, her struggles as if to say that it would be fine like this.

When I asked her if she had ever worked with hardcore addiction, she said no. And her aura shifted. She mentioned alcoholics in the same sentence as smokers.
She brought me to the subject of payback. About how we keep those bags of crap in our closets because they serve us. Textually, she was talking about her family and her brother. But there was another level of communication at work. One that pleased and surprised me enormously.

She mentioned her Mother and her Mother's funeral on several occasions.
She insisted I go out to dinner that night. For most of the evening I sat facing her like an attentive student even though there were four of us at the table. And for a long while, we fell into French even though we were the only ones who spoke it. Dinner took forever to arrive which was fine.

I never took a business card. She never offered. i didn't ask. But when I saw it -from the hands of another colleague-, I memorized it thoroughly: the towering Thai deity on a shade of sand and her name and email and abilities in letters beside her name.
And we said we'd e-mail each other for shrimp mousse recipes and the purchase of an organic cow. (work e-mail account ?)
What was going on was so much bigger than that. And so much more important.

I will keep this memory

And to think that all this insight arrived after I started exploring why, at the age of 39, I'm feeling guilty because I masturbated.